About my childhoods’ christian church and how their preaching depressed me.
Up until about a year ago I had never thought of depression as an action. I’m all familiar with terms like “being depressed” or “having depression”. I myself tend to think about depression as extreme and physical pain, a dark cloud, a void of only darkness and apathy. Meaninglessness. A state. But, as a verb? Never.
One of the therapists I’ve seen in the past unveiled this idea of thinking to me. Depress in one of the literal meanings is to press down.
So if something is pressed down, what then is causing the pressing? What is pressed down and who or what is the reason for this happening?
I began looking to my own history for answers.
I was born into an unhealthy church environment where a great part of the concept was to serve the agenda of the leaders. You were supposed to put your own person and interests aside in order to serve god.(Or as that dude Paul would say it: “I have been crucified…and I no longer live…”)
I was slowly molded into a mental slave, becoming someone who did all in his might to obey god and church leaders, and please every person I came in contact with. For the sake of god. The more I obeyed the church the more I erased myself.
This is where depression comes in. For 25 years I learned how to perfectly press down anything that was the authentic or true me. I learned to hate myself and worship god. By the year 2011 Andreas was in fact more or less gone. The agenda of a power hungry church had depressed me and by their brainwash I had learned to depress myself. I thought I was doing the right thing, but had fully ignored that which was the actual me.
Understanding that something was being depressed within me due to my past was a great eye opener and help to me. I showed me areas in my life which had been lost and starved for years. It helped me see where I could start working with myself to find restoration and healing for the whole person that is I.
It’s been a painful journey to open the wounds and rebuild myself. But, it’s also a beautiful journey when we start to heal.
Depression is an illness. Depression is a state. And sometimes, it’s also a verb.