Experiencing The Depression Aftermath

Looking back 2 years to see what has changed in a mental illness recovery journey.

It’s been little over two years since I walked into an emergency room. Desperate, in tears, suicidal, alone. I had decided to live, but the task of managing by myself had become far too dangerous. The previous night I was close to going through with a suicide attempt. The inner darkness and pain I experienced is the worst I’ve ever encountered. I tried calling a suicide hotline, but couldn’t get through. Fortunately a friend answered the phone at 2am, and talked me through the emotions and turmoils the following hours. She was a major part of why I didn’t die that night. The next day I went to the emergency.

Since then I’ve been through about 1,5 years of weekly counsellings, been on antidepressants for 2 years(still on it), meditated for a total of 47 hours. I’ve been through a 6 month long severe relapse. I’ve released a 3 song EP. I’ve read numerous books. Gotten to know a lot of kind people in online communities. I have been running 2000km and photographed 10k photos. The tears, however, can not be counted. But, I’m happy to say I’m not crying much nowadays, and I’m smiling a lot more.

It’s been 730 days and I’m finally experiencing a real and lasting relief from depression.

So how is my life different now compared to two years ago?

Back then I had anxiety meltdowns in tears almost every day, I felt depressed all the time. I viewed life as totally meaningless and I was trapped in apathy concerning it all. I felt hated by life and was convinced I was only but a burden to everyone around me. I spent most time isolated alone, and sadly lost a lot of friendships. My thoughts about myself was very destructive, I had lost all sense of my worth. I slept poorly. My appetite was very low and I was exhausted and tired in every cell of my body. Depression had me captive and I almost completely surrendered to it.

Today my life is very different. Most days I feel positive and content about how things are. Anxiety occurs very rarely and it in no way lasts as long a period as it used to. Depression is something I experience once each two months or so, but it passes within a day or two. I feel energised from exercise and can pursue interests and hobbies I thought I had lost forever. I’m in control of my mental illness, it’s no longer in control of me. I’m experiencing enjoyment of life I didn’t feel for over 10 years. I’m making new friends and I’m able to socialize again.

If you’re reading this and suffer from depression or anxiety I want to encourage you to seek help. Don’t give up until you find the help that works for you. I’ve experienced a 10 year depression, but also made it through it. You too can do that.

And to you who have a friend or a close one with depression, please don’t give up on them. If you stay you might be the lifeline they need in their most critical moment.

2 thoughts on “Experiencing The Depression Aftermath

  1. Thank you for your comment, Matt. I’m so glad to hear you’re doing so well. You deserve it. One can tell you have what’s needed for continued success in you. Stay focused and aware. All the best, my friend.

  2. This is so good to read, Andreas and closely echos my journey in some way too. Just over 2 years now after a failed attempt on my life, we’ve been through so much and at times it feels like it will never end. But with all the tools I’ve built up overy that time the last 2 – 3 months have been, well…fantastic. Still have them days but have more control and understanding of them. It’s a pleasure to call you a friend and long may our recovery continue. Take care and all the best

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